'Twas the night before DipCon, and all through the halls,
All the Dippers were bragging and scratching their balls
(where applicable).
All the game boards were laid on the tables with care
In the hope that Saint Calhamer soon would be there.
The players had gathered all their favourite snacks
And were planning and plotting out sneaky attacks.
The boards and the powers had been chosen by lot
And the coffee was made in a ten-gallon pot.
The moonlight was shining with a sick greenish glow,
It’s Larry bent over and his pants are too low.
Then out in the parking lot there was a loud crash.
It sounded like a car knocking over the trash.
We charged to the window and we saw an old coot,
Dressed up like a penguin in a decades-old suit.
He came into the hall with a smile and a wave.
“I’m a really good guy, not a scoundrel or knave!”
“I’m Allan Calhamer. I created this game.
“It causes much discord, but I won’t take the blame!”
The Diplomats whispered and their phones all came out.
Web searches confirmed it, and they all nerded out.
His silver hair ruffled by the force of the breeze
Of all the Diplomers falling down on their knees,
“It’s great you adore me, but it’s only a game!”
And he picked up some pieces and called them by name.
“White Russia! Blue England! Red Austria is best!”
“Green Italy! Black Germany! Cyan French west!”
“To play yellow Turkey in the corner takes guts!”
Red Austria is best? He just proved he was nuts.
A voice came from the back, from a skeptic named Claude:
“Allan Calhamer is dead! I think you’re a fraud!”
“A fraud? That is nonsense!” as our hopes ran aground.
“I’m the most authentic Calhamer around!”
He was beating a hasty retreat when he bounced,
Off two extra-large gents who’d come in unannounced.
“Come along Mr Hammer,” the rightmost one said,
“Play time is all done now, please return to your bed.”
“His name is Cal Hammer”, said the other, named Bob.
“He wants to hang out with the Diplomacy mob.”
“They will not let us play in the nursing home, man,
“So I must get my fix in what places I can!”
As he was taken away, we had to know how
The ruse was detected. Claude stood up and said “Now,
“It’s a lesson I learned when divorced by my wife.
“It’s much more than a game; it’s a whole way of life!”
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