DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT XIV.

Not quite the turn out we’d expected, at least 5 people who had said they’d be there didn’t show, but a fun time was had by all anyway. The unexpected guest award goes to David Wang. David was active in the hobby a while back until real life stole him away from it. He attended the very first Diplomatic Incident, and we firmly expect him back for DI XXVII! We started our first game as soon as we had 7 players. I drew Russia, and was promptly stomped into the ground. A/T set me up and kicked me out of Rum in 1901 while Jim-Bob’s Germany kept me out of Sweden. No builds for the Tsar. 1902 and taking Sweden was small consolation. Turkey was in Sev, England slid into STP and an opportunistic Kaiser waltzed into Warsaw. By the end of 1903 the Tsar was drinking vodka in the old folks dacha. Despite an abortive stab by my co-host Jack Sinnott’s Turkey, the A/T held together and the game ended with A/T on one side (Jack and Don Dewsnap) and E (Nick Parish)/ F (John Power) on the other. Jim-Bob and David still had remnants hanging on but they all decided they’d had enough.

Game two, and I drew … Russia! Much better this time as I started out peaceful with everyone, getting Rum and Swe. AIR agreed to take out Turkey, and Turkey and Russia agreed on an R/T, so things looked good. A quick deal with Italy (John Power) and after AI knocked Turkey out of Bul in Spring 1902, Italy stabbed Austria in the fall. Things stayed stirred up between EFG (with a few judicious nudges from the Tsar and Pope when needed) and IR quickly finished off Austria, then surged north and west while leaving a few units behind to finish off Turkey. With a Russian navy still alive in the north, STP firmly in Russian hands, an Italian fleet in MAO and Germany under occupation, our opponents bowed to the inevitable and we called it an I/R draw.

We’d run out of Dip players by this time, but turned out one of us had never played Risk before, so we broke out the old "Diplomacy Starter" kit and played a game. Then some poker and we finally wound down around 3AM.

Memo to Dave: You’re not as young as you used to be. Clue #1: Getting up after a long night used to be easier. I was up at 7AM headed back to NH for a soccer game. Clue 2, Soccer didn’t used to hurt so much! Clue 3, they wouldn’t let me play in the over 30 league if I were still young!

Back down to Boston by noon to see who was still there. Not enough for a Dip game, so we played some Settlers of Catan, then a few hands of Magic and it was time to wrap it up.

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend. The next event should be sometime in March or so, but we’ve got to find a venue as Jack’s place won’t be available. Anyone in the Boston area want to host a house con?

For Who’s Your Buddy, Tour de Farce the next deadline is November 13, 2000.

For Copernicus the next deadline is November 20, 2000.

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(IMLAC to JIMMY CARTER): Abyssinia has contributed thousands and thousands of expatriates who need your Habitat for Humanity houses. What more do you want??

(BOOB to LATE NIGHT CHARACTERS): Get yo butts in gear, I need you guys ahead of me to give me better cards!!

GM – BOOB: I think they’ve got that turned around.

(IMLAC to DR. JOYCE BROTHERS): Very interesting, thank you for asking about my father. My father was a wealthy merchant, who traded between the inland countries of Africa and the ports of the Red Sea. He was honest, frugal and diligent, but of mean sentiments, and narrow comprehension: he desired only to be rich, and to conceal his riches, lest he should be spoiled by the governors of the province. My father originally intended that I should have no other education, than such as might qualify me for commerce; and discovering in me great strength of memory, and quickness of apprehension, often declared his hope that I

should be some time the richest man in Abyssinia. But, that has not been the course I have followed, surely disappointing my father, would you like to know more?

Stacy - World: Now that my brother has left the show, I'm moving in as sidekick!

Conan - World: Note my new address: Conan@southpole.org

SVClinton - Bush: Looks like your son doesn't like reporters. Don't blame him much, but I've never had the guts to call one an asshole in front of an open mike before. Way to go!

Segue Sam - Reagan: You are the king of smooth.

Moron - GM: When do we reach the Mountain Time Zone?

Triumph - Boob: Great job by the Sox last weekend! Geez! I haven't smelled anything that bad since I ate a plateful of asparagus!

Segue: Speaking of asparagus, has anybody seen the movie Election? It's set in Omaha, which just happens to be where my brother lives. And we met Boob's brother at WDC, although some commentators thought it was his son.

Moron - World: Check out Snatch! The movie, I mean! I'm a moron, not a perv! Brad Pitt kicks butt as an Irish gypsy bare knuckles boxer.

SV Clinton: Check out whose *censored*? Hey, why can I say "Did the thief snatch the jewels?"

Triumph: It's just like how I can talk about all those bitches at the Westminister Dog Show!

Triumph - GM: note new address and phone number.

Rick Desper

703 Monroe St., Apt#302

Rockville, MD 20850

301-545-0143

Horsemen--Field: Note that my cards played this turn form an arithmetic sequence. I may not win, but I can strive for elegance.

(CHEESE PACKERS to BOOB): Dass right; we'ze loozahs, but you da man!

(OTHER TEAMS to BOOB): Don' whup usns too bad. Make it respectibiggle.

(PUZZLED to SARA): In "Millennial Apocalypse", you play as Harry but your e-mail address is Sara. In this game you play as Sara but you have no e-mail address. I don't get it. Harry's allowed to use the "sara" address but Sara isn't??

[Gerald Ford is nowhere to be seen, but there does appear to be a large disturbance in a nearby pond.]

Clinton to Horsemen: You guys better be where I think you'll be, or Goz is gonna be over me more than Starr was.

Reagon to Death: Of COURSE I look familiar! We were in grammar school together.

Bush to Pekuah: Apparently Boob doesn't bring harems along for the same reason the rest of us do.

Carter to Boob: You guys aren't balanced. You've got four of the biggest downers I've ever had to listen to, and that includes Sadat and Begin.

The second column (to the left of the rider’s name) contains the card played this round. New cards received are in bold.

(16) The Goz Transportation Co. (Warren Goesle: 3907 Cedar Ridge, #1B, Indianapolis, IN 46235 gozcorp@iquest.com)

Team Manager: Gerald Ford

Coached by Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog

(1) The Warm Fuzzies ( Sara Reichert, 20805 Margaret St., Carson, CA 90745-1224)

Team Leader: Sweet Sara

Woolworth II-D: Who’s Your Buddy?

Rome - Berlin and Constantinople: Can we get our act together to stop the Russian?

GM – Rome: The Kaiser seems to be more interested in Brie than caviar.

Rome - Austria: Hope it’s not too late, maybe I can organize an alliance against the barbarian horde.

Russia - Turkey: My offer still stands. Let me know how I can help you.

Germany - England: Scandinavia should be a good DMZ for us...

Germany - Spain: OK, so say England and Norseboy wipe each other out; then what?

Germany - Wandering Vikings: No witty remarks last time? Cat got your dots, I mean, tongue?

Norse to Kraut-Hey! You dint havta go dere. You sure know how to hurt someone. I'm not dead yet. Maybe my old Russian friend help me teach you to behave!

GM: Then again, maybe not.

Russia - Germany: You are very correct. I have no intention of starting a front with you.

Kaiser - Tsar: Oktoberfest sounds good to me. If not in Munich, where would you like to celebrate it? I'd love to know...

Germany - Russia: having A STP hibernate sounds good by me.

Austria - Germany: I supported you into Vienna because it is the only sensible move if you want to help me out here.

Germany - Austria: I am leaving you for greener pastures. I may have started slow, but your constant whining made me not really want to help you all that much. Auf Wiedersehen.

Germany - Italy: Peace with France? Hell, I'll take Switzerland if it'll get you on my side...

Austria - Italy: I'd prefer if Germany stuck around. Care for a convoy to Albania? Or anywhere else?

Austria - Russia: I guess this means we're not allied anymore.

Austria - Balkans: I'm sorry that you had to go down, too. You figure that playing neighboring countries, at least one would survive a bit longer...

Austria - Spain: Please don't attack Italy now; he's the best hope at stopping the steamroller.

Spain to Turkey-The fleet in Tunis is loyal to the POPE you heathen blackguard!

Spain to England-I can be bribed. Give me Iceland and Norway and I'll support you back to Liverpool and London. Supporting the invaders is not profitable.

Spain to France-Nice having no tension along the border.

Spain to Vikings-You got all the goodies. Where's my payment for supporting you?

Norse to Spain-We appreciate all your help. How can we repay our debt? (please note-many shiploads of wenches have already been sent to the palace at Madrid from London. More cannot come from Liverpool since they are too ill-used and ugly.)

GM – Spain: Was this what you had in mind?

Norse to Russ-Your kind offer of assistance was well received at the court-in-exile in London. Some useless crown jewels have been found here in an equally useless castle. The King will send some along to St. Petersburg as a token of his everlasting friendship with the kindred Russian peoples.

Norse to Frogs-Will help you kill Krauts when done with Anglos. Berserkers can always be useful.

A letter from Richard Weiss, winner of Milk and Cookies:

Gentle Dipsters;

I may win the Milk and Cookies Snowball Fighting game in Tinamou, a sub-sub-szine to the sub-szine TAP. My strategy has been the same in every such game I've played since I did a statistical analysis and found that throwing dirigibles and only dirigibles was markedly favored.

My personal experience has been similar. I learned on the original board from the revered SnowMaster PJ Gaughan himself. I kept losing, despite having a tremendous time. This is one of my all-time fave games. In szines it is a favorite as well - for the press and interaction. However, the actual points and winning is biased to those who only throw dirigibles.

In upcoming press to Milk and Cookies I credit the creators and the modifiers for a great game. Now I think it is time to change it. I do not think that my experience playing and observing is biased or skewed, but if any of you think so, please do let me know. I guess, since I will be in Buffalo for a few weeks, living in motels, I may do the math again and be able to give a more precise answer. However, something ought to be done so that newbies are not guaranteed losers if they scramble and throw daltons or etc. I have some thoughts (natch-urally):

1. Make the range only 2 hexes. This doesn't change much about the game, or complicate it.
2. Make the step-down in accuracy greater per hex out of range - however, this would complicate things because it would be the only one at the greater rate. Say 10% instead of 5%. Or make it a logarithmic decline - since the dirigible is so heavy it can't really go very far very accurately - especially with arms like we little kids.
3. Make the person who throws it more vulnerable to getting hit - say add 10% vulnerability on the segment gathering, holding or throwing. It's so big that one can't dodge and one is very vulnerable with so much exposed.
4. Combine 1 & 3.

5. Consider that it gives 2 VP but causes 3 HPs. Thus, it does send people to the kitchen quickly, but doesn't anoint the winner as quickly.

6. Other ideas I've yet to think of but one of you have . . .

Responses/thoughts?

A reply from Jim-Bob Burgess, esteemed editor of TAP and honorary snowman in Milk and Cookies:

On Snowball fighting:

1) I agree, I don't ALWAYS throw dirigibles because of fun/circumstances (isn't it worth throwing those sbs that you pick off the windowsill of the kitchen as you emerge, for example?), but clearly they are MUCH more powerful.

2) I like Option 4 because it is simple but effective. I might

also consider something like a "partial hit". Once you get a dirigible hit, it can score 1, 2, or 3 points (both VP and HP, I don't like the idea of separating them). GM rolls another percentage, 50% chance of 3 points, 25% chance of 2, 25% chance of 1 (change those percentages around to best balance) with the idea that the lesser hits are "glancing blows". Those big dirigibles come in BIG and SLOW and the fighter can partially dodge them. You can get lots of press and GM "calling the show" fun out of this too.

And, the thoughts of your own editor:

My own leaning is towards Option 4 as well. Reducing the range will make them just that little bit less effective, and increasing the vulnerability adds a nice dimension, making some of the alternative attacks more appetizing if there’s someone throwing dirigibles. I’m open to other suggestions though, so if you have an opinion, please weigh in.

Jim, Richard, can I count you in for a game using Option 4?

Signed up: Harry Andrushak, Jim Burgess

Perestroika Diplomacy: Add an economic twist to the classic game. Centers generate revenue, armies and fleets must be maintained, treasuries can be sacked! Rules are available on request.

Signed up: Art Schleinkofer, Phil Reynolds

Outpost: An economic game where you decide which resources to purchase and try to keep your colony viable. It’s a race to generate the most income, but resources are limited and you have to bid against the other players for them.

Signed up: Sara Reichert

Standard Diplomacy: Nothing new, nothing novel. The only twist to this game is that I strongly encourage players without email to join up. The long deadlines make it easier to get those negotiations in. That is not to say that I do not want people with email joining, but please do not do so unless you are prepared to negotiate fully with those people who don’t have email and rely on the Postal Service.

Black Hole Diplomacy: Watch the spaces disappear and the trips to the other side of the board get shorter and shorter. No stalemate lines in this variant. Great for those who like a free for all.

Just the results please: Don’t really know what to call this one as I just came up with it. Perhaps it’s been tried before. The twist for this variant is that each season only the ending unit positions are published, not the orders. You’ll know who went where, but not who helped whom, or want may have been tried unsuccessfully.

Reader’s Choice: I’m open to anything, just send me the rules and if I think I can run it, I’ll offer it.

Milk and Cookies – Turn 6

The dirigibles rain down around Zamboni, but only the "terrifically sneaky move" of the Boob connects, while Z’s own dirigible flies true and he is enshrined as the new snow king of the yard.

SS-GM: Why did I continue moving to S11? I could have had a V8! And sign me up for the next round of Snowball Fighting. As for OUTPOST, my comment was along the lines that OUTPOST seemed to be a matter of shopping, in that you had to decide what to buy, and when, and for what price. So I perpetuated a feeble joke about shopping genes, the alleged genes that women have and men

don't. Very feeble joke, I guess.

SS-NE: Is that an icicle in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?

Harry Andruschak-BS: Actually, like 100% of men, I do have boobs, or breasts, or tits, or whatever you may want to call them. Not very large (I have never been measured for a bra but would suspect I am AAA), and not functional, but there. In any case, I doubt if training bras exist for chest size 42.

(BOOBSWAY to ZAMBONI): Munch, munch, munch, my hat tastes QUITE good.

(BOOBSWAY to GM): Zamboni's Dirigible strategy worked perfectly, I'll be surprised if he hasn't won this turn. Whine, whine, how

come ***I*** always had to be the one going to the Kitchen??? PS: Your mustard was a perfect complement to the leather in my hat.

(BOOBSWAY to JAR JAR): No kidding! You can keep your hp's!!

(BOOBSWAY EXULTS): Only boobs on the field belong to me, me, me....

Zamboni-Boobsway with the two Sb and three away and Northern Exposure (lord, you really are exposed) with zilch: I bet Boobsway ashnay otnay ethay ainsbray otay unray aywaynay!

GM – Z: With a roll like that, running wouldn’t have helped. I think you are right, it would have been good tactics for Boob and

NE to run away and deprive you of a target, figuring you’d go down under the weight of everyone’s ammo in the first two segments, but Boob decided to go out in a blaze of glory, enshrined forever as the Two Gun Kid.

Zamboni-David: After throwing away the printed version of TAP my dismal brain reminded me to look through for something. I didn't know what, but did find some Milk and Cookies so at least I'm not hungry anymore. Now when does Santa come? However, maybe winning this game will substitute for Kwaanza and Chanukah. PS. I have to be in Family Court for Round nzillion of my divorce on 9/29 in SF so I must beg out once again. Dang, you and Chapel Hill are still on my list for cons of the future.

David – Richard: You’re always welcome. We’ve had a nice cross section of the hobby attend and you’d be a welcome addition!

Zamboni-Milk Sippers and Cookie slurpers: First time I've seen a map since about Round 2. What a deal. Nicely done little subszine here. I even see where the snow bunnies are, I don't have to hope I wrote my orders right. If I read the GM drivel correctly, and pretend I remember the rules, a Dirigible hit scores 3 VP. If I guess which slow-tard to hit and Davie, my buddy, big brudda Davey rolls decently, I can win on this segment. Or else, I might get plastered with snow and be in the kitchen with Sweet Sara checking out those body parts.

GM – Zamboni: Those dice you sent me worked like a charm!

Zamboni-Others, and Pete Gaughan (holder of the original game board and wisest of the wise): Dom Elias and Trevor Mendham (notice who named a weapon after themselves) created this great fun game, with some changes along the way from PJ Gaughan, JR Baker, Kelly Bagley and Greg Ellis. I learned how to play from Pete, on the real map. Probably earlier than anyone else in this game has played. I lost all first games. But had a great time. The winner was always ALWAYS let me emphasize this ALWAYS

threw all Dirigibles. The 3 VP are so valuable and the odds of connecting are high enough, that when I went home, my mommy got out my slide rule, eh, helped me out of my boots, snowpants, overalls, pants, long johns and panties - then got out my slide rule and calculated the odds that there is a decided best play advantage to always throwing dirigibles - I've always done that. I've played since and either won or lost to someone else who threw only Dirigibles. While I love snowball fighting for both the nostalgia and the great fun press - I think it is time to change the scoring so that Dirigibles ALWAYS is not the primary way to win. I am open to how this should be done. Reduce the hit likelihood by 20%? I don't have my slide rule anymore.Decrease its accuracy faster when out of range? But, for the fairness to newbies who want to do more than go to the kitchen and sip some of Mommie's milk - let's develop a consensus here.

Boob-Zamboni: Nay, nay, young sir. I briefly subscribed to Trevor Mendham’s szine in the early 1980’s and played in some of the very earliest US Snowball Fighting games with Pete and Greg Ellis (Feuilletonist’s Forum – which still wins the all-time prize for most unpronounceable and unspellable szine name in the hobby) back in the mid-1980’s. Greg was a lawyer who teamed up with Jake Halverstadt to run that wonderful Presidential Politics game (running with issue positions and spending money on TV ads etc.). That’s something that could be productively revived by someone someday. I remember JR Baker really well (a pal of Greg’s, I think), but I only vaguely recall Kelly Bagley. Anyway, I played this game while you were still in diapers ;-) and I know that Dirigibles are best too. If these moves work, I can come in third (I am third…. I’ve heard that line somewhere before….).

Zamboni-Press writers: May the fun go on and on and on. As Harry Caray used to say Ernie Banks said, "It's a great day for a snowball fight! Maybe two!" (I'd say that baseball phrase double header - but that's what Jar-Jar will get if he goes in the shed with SweetieGums).

Anatomically correct to Jimbob: In the manner of "College Bowl" Ben Stein and Wanting to Be a Millionaire: Please correctly answer the following toss-up questions about the anatomy I found on Sweet Sarah:

1. Sara's Labrioscrotal swellings became: A. Scrotum B. Labia Majora.

2. Urogential folds: A. Ventral aspect of penis B. Labia minora

3. Phallus: A. penis, glans, corpus cavernosa, corpora spongiosum or B. Clitoris, glans, corpora cavernosa, and vestibular bulb

or C. Clitoris, and vestibular bulb or D. Penis, and corpora spongiosum

4. Urogenital sinus became: A. Vestibular glands B. Bulbourethral glands

5. Urogenital sinus: A. Vagina, Hymen B. Urinary bladder, Urethra C. Prostate Glands D. A,B and C E. A & B

F. B & C

6. Mullerian ducts (simple language, I didn't want to figure out how to spell "parameshonephric ducts", besides some of you may guess that that is the Urinary bladder) became: A. Testicular appendix B. Hydatid of Morgagni

7. Mesonephric ducts (not the paramesonephric ducts, be careful here): A. Seminal vesicles and Ejaculatory ducts

C. Vesiculosa appendix

8. Sarah's "undifferentiated gonad" became: A. Testes b. Ovary

8. And the final, 25 point toss-up, you have 20 seconds to complete your answer; the "Gubernaculum" became Sarah's:

A. Gomer Pyle B. Hemorrhoid C. Andy Griffith D. Gubernaculum testis or E. Round Ligament

Northern Exposure to Jar-Jar: No, it's not an icicle, I'm just happy to see you go away.

Northern Exposure to All: Man, was I even hit this game before this turn? Maybe once before I zipped through the shed. But I'm going to come in last or nearly so anyway. Looks like this game isn't won by good defense.

GM – NE: Nope, it’s won by throwing dirigibles. See the notes for the new game though!